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99 Problems and Most of Them Revolve Around Bags

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Just heading to work. Like any other normal human being.

One of the downsides I forgot to mention in my rant yesterday is that I have now turned into that annoying lady on the train with 87 bags. Purse? Check. Lunch bag? Check. Laptop bag? Check. Gym bag? Check. Super giant puffy coat that comes to your knees? Check! Yep. It’s official. I now have the radius of a minivan.

I feel bad for myself on the subway platform. I can see people eyeing me up. Stepping away from me. They don’t want to sit next to me. I don’t look like I’m heading to the office. I look like I’m heading to an Arctic excursion.

This makes getting from the T stop to the office a work out in its own right. I am lugging 87 bags in a coat insulated to protect up to -115 degree temperatures while walking five city blocks wearing heels. Today I said ENOUGH. I have HAD IT. It doesn’t have to be like this. There HAS to be a solution. And just like that, it came to me. My million dollar idea.

I was going to make a briefcase that was also a gym bag. A brief bag. A gym case. It was going to be THE must have accessory for people who had to carry many bags, when really they have always wished that they could just carry one. I use my PR ninja skills to get a few celebrities photographed carrying one, and BAM, I would be cranking out the most in demand bag the world has seen since this:

Let's not act like you didn't have one.

By the time I got to the last block, sweaty and having accidentally knocked over two people and a light post, I was convinced that this was it. Casey could build his artisan concrete company, and I would grow my bag empire, eventually branching out into evening wear and a luxury pet satchel line. I was mentally writing out my resignation letter on my elevator ride to my floor.

I get to my desk, peel away bag after bag after bag after effing bag, take off my coat that I can now admit is a Bit Much for the mild winter we have been having, but I refuse to not wear it because I spent a lot of effing money on that coat and when I wear it I like to pretend I’m an Eskimo or preparing for an Everest summit, find the bag with my laptop, fire up said laptop and Google gym bag briefcase.

And don’t you freaking know it. Someone else has already taken my million dollar idea. Those JERKS! These things already exist. In all sorts of shapes, colors, sizes… apparently I am not the first person in the history of the free world to get sick of being bogged down with enough luggage to make a snap decision to just move on over to China.

My dreams were crushed. The mansion that I had been so lovingly furnishing in my mind, purchased with my bag empire proceeds, evaporated in a swirl of tears and pain. It was not to be. People, many, many, many people, had beaten me to the gym case.

If you can’t beat ‘em, buy from ‘em! I have settled on this little number.

I’m going to order it tomorrow and I will follow up with you once I give it a whirl. I know that you will be sitting on literal pins and needles waiting for my full report. I won’t let you down.

Yours in way too many freaking bags,



2 responses »

  1. You should commute to work in track shoes… it would be much easier on you… but then that would add another bag to carry your heels.

    I usually reserve my First Class Evil Glare for people that have to put all their shit on the subway seat beside them, while people all around (like me) are standing.

  2. Pingback: The Bag Update You Have All Been Dying For « Running On Wine

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