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Monthly Archives: April 2012

Duct Tape and Death Waivers, An Epic Tale of Tough Mudders

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Perhaps you thought after reading this tale

that on our Tough Mudder we would not prevail.

And you would be wrong, so pull up a chair.

I will start from the end and tell how we got there.

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Back to Basics

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You're just going to have to trust me on this - that hill is a beast. I should have taken the picture from the bottom looking up, but, you know, I was running.

There is a hill near my house, Cochran Road. It’s been my nemesis since I started running. It’s long, it’s steep, and there aren’t any traffic lights to break it up. You can either run it or you can’t. And for me, it was always ‘can’t’. Until today.

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How to NOT train for the ‘Toughest Event on the Planet’, a cautionary tale.

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I only know how to do things one way: Super freaking awesomely.

When I do laundry? It’s awesome. Dishes? Frigging glitter clouds float by. Showering? Unicorns soap me up. So when I had to prepare myself for my very first Tough Mudder, I had only one requirement, make it awesome.

While some people were training by running ten miles or so, I was doing my version of that. I was Botoxing the entire upper portion of my face. Other Mudders were pumping iron. I was getting my highlights done. And the crucial day before the event, when athletes are preparing their bodies for the grueling tasks before them, Casey and I were going on a ten hour drinking binge through Vermilion, Ohio.

SSSHHH. I'm training.

It all started out innocently enough. Casey had seen a winery ad and asked me if I wanted to go check it out. Well of course I do. I am a living, breathing human person, aren’t I? We had no kids and it was raining and we were in a strange town, so yes. At the time, going to a winery for lunch seemed like a good idea.

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WWKED? (What Would Katniss Everdeen Do?)

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Seriously. I will kill you.

SPOILER ALERT!!! IF YOU HAVEN’T READ BOOK ONE OF THE HUNGER GAMES OR IF YOU DIDN’T KNOW I HAD MY BOOBS DONE, YOU MAY WANT TO SKIP THIS POST

I have a confession to make. I haven’t run once since my half. Not once. I haven’t even had my shoes on. This is worrisome for a few reasons, the two biggest being 1.) I have my Tough Mudder in two days, and 2.) I have the Pittsburgh Half in two weeks.

You would think this means I feel woefully unprepared and that I’m afraid I won’t be able to finish the challenges that lie ahead of me. And you would be wrong.

I, my friends, have read the Hunger Games. All three books. I say I’m not challenged ENOUGH.

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CALL CNN, I RAN A HALF MARATHON

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As some of you may know, I ran my first half marathon last week. *pauses to accept applause and accolades*

How was it, you ask? Oh, it was amazing! It wasn’t hard at all. I breezed right through it, crossed the finish line and then prepared a five course lunch for me and my friends.

HAHAHA. Just kidding. It was terrible. It was brutal. I almost gave up. At one point, I cried. It was soul crushing, painful to just move agony that went on for over two hours.  And I can’t wait to do it again.

Lemme explain.

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