Have you ever tried everything you could to drop those last ten pounds, but they just wouldn’t come off? They stubbornly cling to your stomach and thighs, regardless of how much you work out, even though you aren’t really working out all that much anymore and also you drank wine every day? No? Just me?
Well I decided that I have had ENOUGH. Actually, me and the mister were half kicked in the ass one night and happened upon the INSANITY infomercial. I wasn’t aware of how out of shape I was until that moment. Looking at the chiseled women in the video and then looking down at the Cheetos crumbs scattered across my gut, I thought to myself, really? Can’t those bitches just eat some Cheetos?
Casey was next to me on the couch. We were actually thinking the same thing. We’ve sort of let ourselves go. Nothing major. We were still the same clothing size, but the scale was slowly creeping up for both of us. And all of the wine and Cheetos in the world couldn’t hide that. Actually, that’s why it was happening. We had fallen into a bad routine: put the baby to bed, grab wine and snacks, sit on couch. Could we break this habit and get back into shape? INSANE shape?
I looked at him. He looked at me. One of us burped. Oh, yes. We were doing this.
For those of you not familiar with INSANITY, it’s the roided up brother of P90X. Both programs are designed to get you in the best shape possible in the shortest amount of time. They are both brutal, but only one of them is INSANE. I will let you determine which.
Having made the decision, we then had to order the program (remember, this was an infomercial). It was going to take about 3 -5 business days to get to us, so we decided to do what any normal, rational people would do – go on a food and booze bender.
HAHA. Just kidding. We actually started watching we were eating right away, and we cut down on alcohol. I lost two pounds just thinking about being INSANE! It was great!
I travelled on business Monday and Tuesday, and I’m pulling into the driveway home, there it was. An innocent enough looking brown box. INSANELY sitting in my driveway. It was here. The gig was up. Shit was about to get real. Etc. Etc.
We were like kids on Christmas morning! We opened it up started reading. And more reading. And then we went online to read some more. Then we decided that we should probably WATCH some of the videos. And man, it was getting late. Since we aren’t going to START this tonight, we might as well have one last hurrah.
We ordered a large meat lovers pizza, busted out the Bacardi, and stuffed our faces while we watched the Pirates beat the Reds. All in all, it was a great effing night.
The next morning though, it was ALL BUSINESS. We did our official weigh in. Turns out, I gained back the two pounds I had lost, so I was starting out at 149 (barfs all over self for breaking cardinal vagina-haver rule of never talking about real weight). FINE. Are you happy? Now you know. I am 5’3 and I weight 149. FOR NOW. I’m about to get INSANE on all your asses.
The program recommends that you take before and after pictures of yourself. So I did. And I had every intention of posting them. Until I saw them. The second I saw them I had two immediate urges.
1.) Jump out window
2.) Re take but suck it in this time
I resisted both, but I am still not sure about posting them. I’m not naked or anything. That might actually look better. I’m just wearing running shorts and a sports bra. And a sickly smile, like I KNEW this shit wasn’t going to look good.
Then, it was time to take the Fit Test. The Fit Test isn’t a real workout, it’s just a 24 minute drill of 8 different exercises designed for you to be able to track your progress during your long, slow trip to becoming INSANE.
Oh, a Fit Test, I thought. Easy, peasey, lemon squeezey!
24 minutes later, drenched in sweat, heaving to the point of almost vomiting, laying on the floor crying, I was thinking to myself, Dear god. If this is just the test, what in the HELL is the first workout going to be like?
And I shall find out tonight. And I shall let you know. And maybe, MAYBE I will post my before pics. It all depends on how INSANE I get.
Yours in hot abs,