I don’t know how to say this nicely so I’m just going to come out and say it – Facebook sucks. It has jumped the shark, gone the way of neon and legwarmers, had a fat lady singing, whatever colorful phrase you want to use to describe something that used to be fun and relevant but has now been overrun by the digital equivalent of crazy cat ladies and paste eating conspiracy theorists, all armed with absolutely no sense of humor and a someecard account.
Let’s address the major culprits one at a time.
SOMEECARDS (or anything remotely resembling a someecard). If you have a Facebook account you have seen them. You’ve seen hundreds if not thousands of them. Today. They are ridiculous post card- type things meant to look like what would happen if a slightly gifted middle school art student made pencil renderings of all the characters in a Dicken’s book and then let grown up people with too much time on their hands write shit on them.
Very, VERY rarely one will come up that’s chuckle worthy, but you know what? I can’t laugh. Because all I can think about is stabbing the person who posted it. We’ve all been tempted. We’ve all had our mouse hovered over the ‘share’ button, thinking, ‘You know what? This one is actually funny.’ Admit it.
The worst offenders are the ones who preface it by saying, ‘I know that these aren’t usually funny, and I normally never post them, but I just had to share’. STOP IT. Stop it now. You’re part of the problem.
If I were Mark Zuckerberg (in between laughing about how rich I am and bathing in champagne) I would make my programmers work around the clock to remove the ‘share this on facebook’ option from that site. It is the single biggest reason Facebook sucks now.
Followed by anything asking you to ‘like’ something because then something is going to happen. My personal favorite (and that actually sparked my Facebook rage) was this:
If this post can get a MILLION likes, my dad is going to stop doing drugs.
Really? Do you really think that’s true? Maybe. If you were on DRUGS. How did that convo go?
Kid – Dad. DAD. Put down the pipe. We need to talk.
Dad – *exhales* *blows crack smoke rings in kid’s face* What is it, son?
Kid – Dad. I really, REALLY, like really want you to stop doing drugs. What can I do to make you see it’s wrecking our family, you’re health, my childhood? You are very, very likely making me almost incapable of having a normal adulthood. What’s the ONE THING that I can do to get you to stop?
Dad – One million likes on Facebook. Or it ain’t happening.
NO ONE DOES THAT.
Or how about ‘share this if you remember’ shit.
Age Test: If you remember these two skaters, and why they were in the news, click “Like”
Like · · Share · 286,03316,0079,032 · July 10 at 11:59pm · I could give less than one shit if you remember Tonya Harding and Nancy Kerrigan. Hit me up when you got something to share on Jeff Gillooly. Now THAT I want to know about.
Can we also please, PLEASE stop it with the long, rambling inspirational quotes. Do you know anyone who has ever been inspired by reading one of those? ANYONE? Go ahead. Ask all your friends. I’ll wait.
No one? I didn’t think so.
I don’t think I even need to touch on Farmville/Mafia Wars/Any game you can play on Facebook, ever, or ads. I think we can collectively agree as a civilized society that they suck. But, they are also easily avoidable. Just don’t click or play. They aren’t assaulting your eyeballs every time you want to check to see how many people ‘liked’ your last post.
It’s not ALL bad. There are still things I love about Facebook.
Pictures of your kids – believe it or not, I truly like watching your kids grow and change. I don’t get to see all of you a lot, and most of you are my friends and family. This is the only chance I get to see the little munchkins, so post away.
Pictures of your vacation – I am only saying this because I post a lot of mine. Just kidding! I like your’s too! It’s totally working! I will turn to Casey and say, ‘Sweetie? Did you see this! Megan is camping again! We need to camp. They look like they’re having fun. Also. They clearly aren’t home. Let’s go use their hot tub!’
Funny updates – some of you really make me chuckle.
Relevant updates – there are a lot of current events out there, and some of you have very compelling and things to say about them. Thank you for making me think.
The ability to promote your blog – cause duh.
Facebook can be a powerful tool. For something that started out as a way to check out the hot freshman in the dorm across the quad, it’s come along way. I will stick around to see what happens next, but just know that if you post a someecard, I am judging you.
Yours in Twitter, Where It’s Safer,